


Becoming Whole Again

by Assassin_In_A_Hoodie_1899



Category: Newsies, Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: F/M, Jack Kelly - Freeform, Newsies - Freeform, Newsies References, Self harm/Cutting, Triggers, pls don’t read if it’s not your cup of tea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22467808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Assassin_In_A_Hoodie_1899/pseuds/Assassin_In_A_Hoodie_1899
Summary: It started with an accident....
Relationships: Jack Kelly and Katherine plumber
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Becoming Whole Again

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo this has Suicidal thoughts and actions. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS WILL TRIGGER YOU. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

The first time was an accident. 

I was mad. A young newsies came back to the lodging house at night all busted up. He needed a doctor for some stitches. It costs 15$ for a doctor. Each one of us turned out our pockets and we ended out with only seven dollars. Not enough. From my glories time at the refuge so I had a vague idea how to stitch someone up but I've only seen someone do it once. 

We had to have nearly seven of the fella to hold the poor boy down as I put in a small needle I bent into a circle over, and over, and over. There was no numbing for the young boy. So he just screamed.   
The deep gash started at his right hip and ended nearly halfway to his knee, 50 stitches. 50 times I have to stab the poor kid and hear him scream in pain. The whole time I was praying for him to just pass out, pass out and not feel pain anymore. But he didn't, he screamed till I put in the last stitch, cried himself out.   
Race rapped him up. He said we would have to watch the stitches closely for any early signs of infection. I've smelled infection before, and seen kids die from it. 

I need some air. I needed air and quick. My body didn't know yet if it wanted to be sick or scream at someone. I all but ran to the fire escape, I jumped out the window and shut it behind me. I started passing back and forth, shaking my hands trying to expel some nervous. But it didn't help, it just got worst. I blink back the hot tears threading to spill out, I didn't see any of the other boys cry so why should I.

Why did we have to live this? Begging day to day. Working for just sell some paper to spend more than half of the paper the next day! Why can't we afford a doctor to stitch up someone, or to stop a cough? 

Why! why! why! why! 

I opened my eyes and saw an old bottle laying in the corner I grabbed it and chucked it hard at the railing. The glass shared upon impact most of the glass shared fell through the railing but three big pieces didn't fall.   
I let out a frustrated cry because it didn't make me feel better. Instead, it just causes the noise in my head to rise in volume. I bent out an grab at the biggest shard of glass. As soon as grabbed it in my fist it cut into my skin. A deep cut. 

I dropped the glass shard on instinct and closes it fist tightly to stop the pain. 

It was the pain I got addicted too. The feeling of being in control of something. It made me feel, sickly enough, that I had two hands on this wild horse and not just one.   
I should have grabbed a rag to stop the bleeding, but instead I stood out in the moonlight. I didn't move. The pain felt..good. It obviously hurt but it was like..i had some kind of control in that moment. I could take the pain in my head, chest and heart, and redirect it. I didn't think about the kid crying in his bed, I didn't think of the hungry bellys. I don't think... Everything just seamed to just...Stop. 

I stood in the moonlight, watching the blood drip from the jagged cut on my palm. I don't know how long I stood there. I didn't even move till Crutchie came to the window.   
"Ay jack- Jack yous bleeding." Crutchie said pointing at my hand. He started me from my mindset. What was I doing? Why did that help? Did it help? No, no that's stupid. 

"Get me a rag of something will ya." I closed my fist, giving the womb one last squeeze before rapping it up. 

~

It only took two weeks for the accident to turn into my next out

I kept that same small piece of glass I made my first cut with. And used it again and again, anytime I felt bad. If I felt like I   
didn't have any control. When I was thinking those thoughts. I admit it, I did have those thoughts from time to time, but I wasn't till I upgraded myself from a piece of glass to a knife the thoughts turned from a small voice and it started to grow loader and loader.   
Give up Jack Kelley. It's not worth it J ack Kelly. A small little pocket knife.   
It was starting to get bad. Really bad. I told myself every time I cut myself that I needed to stop. It could kill me. I should be doing this. What is the boys found out? But I didn't stop. It turned into an obsession.

~ 

"Ay Race, you have seen my knife?" I picked up "pillow" the hundred times and turned out my pocket for the thousandth.  
"Jack. Like I said. I haven't seen it. Why do you need it? It's lights out. Find it in the morning Jack." 

"Race- I just need it okay!" I shouted at him. I didn't mean to but I was frantic. The night thoughts we're hitting me hard that night. And I just couldn't. I need it to stop. 

"Okay listen up!" I shouted stand on the bed that is mine but I've never sleeping in it." who had my knife. Don't bother lying cuz I know one of y'all took it." 

The room erupted in both that they haven't seen it, that didn't touch it, or my favorite, they did know I had one. 

"okay the next to be wise that says that they don't have it or seen it, is being sent to Brooklyn to spend a night at Spot's house. Now who's-"

"Jack" 

I whipped around on the bed. Crutchie hopped over to my "bed" his hand outreach to me.

"Your knife, it was in the bathroom." Crutchie holds out his hand, my small little knife laying in his open palm. I slapped it out of his hand hard, Crutchie flinched away from me.   
I didn't have time to say sorry or thank you. I was slipping. I jumped off the bed and rushed to the window and slammed it shut it behind me. No one came to check on me later. 

~

A month later my arms and palms were covered in little white scars. I started wearing my long sleeves after someone asking if I fell into a thorn bush and scratched myself up. But it wasn't until I went on a date with Kathrine that I had to cover up and start lying. I started getting smart about where I cut. 

It was a small date with Katherine. I promise Katherine that someday I would be able to take her out to a real meal and a show, Instead of sitting in the backstage at Medda and eating cookies she made for us. We where having a good time till she suddenly reached over and move the blue shirt sleeve up a bit. 

She looked at me, then at the cut on my wrist, It wasn't even healed over yet. I slapped my free hand over my wrist hiding it from view. I wish I just pulled my sleeve down. It would have looked more smooth instead like I was hiding something. 

"Jack kelly where did you get that cut!" Kathrine gasped reaching for my arm. 

Think of something now! I screamed at my head. I said the first thing that came to mind. 

"I got too close to the press and the metal scraped against me. Nothing much, but a little cut." I couldn't even look at her. I couldn't lie to her face, I just couldn't. 

"Jack Kelley that look deeper than just a small cut, let me look at it." She reaches over to grab my wrist in her soft hands. 

I couldn't.   
I knew that if she looked, she would move the sleeve up shirt to see the other scars all the way up to my elbow. And I couldn't let her see this side of me. It would hurt her. It would crush her. She would walk away from me. 

And I can't- 

I don't- 

I can't let go of something I have so good. So, so good. I love Kathrine. I love her so much. And I don't want to see her leave me. I can't bear it. 

"No." I moved my hand away. Move my whole body away from her loving gentle touch. Hurt flashed in her eyes. And for once second. I think about telling her. Telling her the truth. Letting her help me. Because I am drowning, drowning in this pain I can only control with the edge of a blade. 

But then I think of tears in her eyes, real hurt in her eyes. And...I can't. I can't tell her. I won't tell her. 

"No, I'm fine. It's okay." 

"Jack please, let me look-" 

"No! I'm fine. Okay! I'm fine!" I snapped at her. My panic came out in a harsh tone I never wanted to use on Katherine. The rest do the newsies. Maybe. But not Katherine. 

"Okay." she said softy. The hurt in her eyes till stun because it hurt. It hurt that I hurt her. The thoughts started to consign back, the annoying came rushing back. Stop I wanted to stop, not now! Not now! I can't! 

The rest of the date was quite. At the end of the show. I left with a small goodbye. 

I got more creative where I cut myself. My legs and my ribs. Easy to hind form eyes. What's a shirt to bed always, and let's be honest, if someone is seeing my legs..... 

~ 

It was around the third month, my mask started to crack. I need to get away for a bit I told myself. I and the newsies started getting into fights, me and Katharine started to get rocky. I told myself that if I got away for a bit, a day or two I would feel a bit better. It would be better.   
So I went to see the Spot. Spot is a tough kid, but he's a good kid. He's seen the worst the worlds got to fish out to a kid and somehow he still is okay. He put together. And to be honest. I need to talk to somebody, I was unraveling. The last cut I made on my leg I passed out and woke up to a very scary puddle of blood. My blood. 

I admit it. I need help. 

I stopped eating at some point, instead of wasting it throw I passed my food to the nearest homeless person of a shoeless kid. This was easy to cover up, I said they needed more than I did. 

Nights are getting colder due to Christmas was just a month away now. Wasn't we're for me to be wearing long sleeves all the time now. I could blame it on that I was cold. 

~ 

Spot greeted me at the door with open arms.   
"Long time no see Jacky boy."  
"How you doing Spot."   
"Been doing just fun up heres." Spot reach over and patted me on the shoulder leading inside his small but warm dwelling. Looking around busted up floor no broad, candlelight and cracks in the walls and ceilings I would almost say we had the t a bit better then Brooklyn.   
"Say, don't yous travel in a pack. Where the family?"   
Think of something Jack. Spot can smell a lie, see it as plan as buttons on a shirt. So I tread lightly.   
"It's a bit tight between me and the boys. Work is hard right now." Half truth. Don't push it Spot.   
Spot narrowed his eyes, then scanned me top to bottom. Noting every seam in my clothes every hole in my boot and dirt under my nails. This man can strip you down to the bone with a look.   
"I hears you have some lady friend now Jacky."   
I give a small chuckle and follow Spot up a fight of staies that look like it can barely hold my wight.   
"is she purrdy?" Spot smirks looking over his shoulder at me.   
Katherine. Beautiful is not a strong enough word to describe her. She's is...heavenly. Angelic.   
"Beyond words." I say. But a hole in my heart starts opening up. I hevnt seen Katherine since that night at Medda's.   
"Whoa!" Spot shouts throwing his head back. "Boys! Listen up! Jacks found himself a lady friend."   
Every newsies is a hundred feet let out a whoop for me as if I flown to the moon and back.   
"Say, we got a special dinner from the local nuns. How about you stayen for dinner? I can tell you got something you need to tell me."   
I opened my mouth to object but Spot turn around leading me down a hall, " ya can't keep stuff from me Jack."   
Ya. I know.   
"We's got running water last night put in last night, you can use it to wash up a bit. You look like you haven't bathed in a week."   
Yep that's about right.   
Spot got to a door at the head of a hall and opened it waving me inside. Inside was a mdy room with a widow tagt had some cracks in the glass. A single candle was in the corner lighting the room in a fnit light. I walked over to the sink and look in the bowl. I hold bowl was filled go the bring with gray water. I turn the forest but nothing came out.   
"Runing water?"   
"ya somethings it runs some the time an dyhe boys have to get some more from the river." Spot said leaning agest the door frame picking at his nails. 

I rolled my sleeves on instinct, but I quickly pulled them back down. I could feel Spot looking at the back of my head. I quickly put my hands into the freezing gray water and washed my face and hand, I didn't care of my sleeves got wet or not. Spot is not leaving the room.  
I grabbed the towel from beside the sink and dried myself off.   
"So what's for dinner? I'm starving somethin bad."   
I turned around painted the biggest smile on my face. I crossed my arms to cover up the fact that my wrist and half of my arm are socked with freezing water. 

Spot is not just standing in the door fram, he's blocking the door on purpose.   
"you know, I've only seen a couple boys do what you just did there Jack. And all of then had something they all shaerd." I swallowed so hard Spot probably hear it. "Why didn't you roll up the sleeves."   
Lie!   
"My arms are cold. It's freezing in here."   
"Hum, oh sure thing. snowing in here."   
Spot had a sleeveless shirt on, not a single hair on his arms was standing up. He is not cold. And somehow I am. 

Spot left the door frame and strode to me. He didn't say anything. He only looked directly into my eyes. If eyes are the window to the soul, I wonder what he sees. A scared broke kid I think. A sad broken twisted kid who thinking bloodletting help one's mind. 

"You hiding something from me Jack?" He asked. 

"No." 

Spot can smell a lie. And he hates being lied. It's true that he kills everyone that lied to him before. 

Spot doesn't say anything, he staire me down. I don't know how he knows but he does. Spot knows. He knows he knows, he knows. He knows. 

I'm breaking out in a cold sweat, a beat of sweat actually starts down my spine. I wanted to look away from Spot's eyes, but I knew if I looked away, it would confirm everything.   
Under Spot's eyes it like I'm holding a big sign I've my head, in big bold print.   
I'm cutting myself, I'm suicidal. I am dying!   
Someone, please help me. Help me. I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I'm yelling for someone to pull me away from the edge.   
Just when I'm about to come clean. Spot look away first. He spits into his hand and holds it out to me. I uncross my arms and spit into my own hand. But when our hand's touch is about to meet, he quickly grabs my wrist and holds on hard. I pulled hard to get free but it's not hard enough. He already hands my sleeve in a fist and pulls up my sleeve expose the hundreds of cuts. 

Spot didn't gasp. He didn't say anything. He only met my eyes. He didn't- he didn't-  
Spot let go of my wrist and turned to the door and walked away. I was stunned i could move, couldn't think, couldn't breath. He was just going to leave. He now knows my deepest deadliest secret. 

Everything in me dropped into my stomach then continue it's way down and out of me. As horror washed over me. 

He was going to tell the boys. He was going to tell the boys and all of them are going to turn on me and think I'm a coward. I'm going to hurt so many people, I can't- no! No! Grab the horse jack, two hands, jack two hands! TWO HAND!

A Spot closes the doors. He was still in the room. The lock clicked, locking us in 

He was going to beat me up. It not uncommon for Spot to beat someone into a bloody mess. His going to tell mehow pathetic I am, how such a coward. That I'm pathetic, I'm worthless, I'm nothing. I deserve this, I deserve being beaten up. I'm weak, I'm- I'm- 

"Jack." I backed away from Spots voice. I covered my head, preparing for the first punch or kick.   
"Jack look at me. I'm ain't going to hurt ya."   
I lowered my arms and looked at the floor. Why did I think he was going to hit me.   
"Jack."   
Spot stepped closer to me, I told a step back. 

"Jack please." 

I'm swallowed my dread and pain and looked up meeting Spit eyes again.   
I didn't know this Spot. Because I've known a mean kid you never want to see the dark side of. But this Spot was sympathetic and not in a cruel way.   
Spot took the suspender off his right shoulder. He just finished unbutton his shirt and quickly pulled an arm from a sleevehole. He turned his side to me and lifted his arm to expose his side to me. 

The light was dim, but in the dim light I could make out hundreds of small white scars. Too spread out to be an accident. Spot. Oh, spot. Cruel, uncaring, apathetic Spot. Covered in scars like me. 

"I told myself that of I only wear sleeveless shirts except in the winter." Spot slides his arm throw the hole of the short and started buttoning it up.   
"I told myself I was being smart. This way I could relieve the pain and cover it up. I told myself that's could fix it myself, I could cover myself in scars and feel better, I would be normal again." 

I looked away. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't. I backed away from him till my back hit the wall then I slide down to the floor flolding in on myself. If Spot is like me, the toughest roughest kid I know, then that means there's is no help for me. I can't get help from Spot.   
I can't. Why did I do this? Why did I think it was smart coming here! 

"I show this to ya jack and tell you because I know. I know what you are thinking about in your little noggin. Because I've been there."   
No, he doesn't understand this pain. This sickness. This depression. He's just waiting for the moment for me to brake so he can go tell the boys. 

"It felt like I had some tar on my skin, and that no matter how many times I washed that it didn't come off." The room started spinning, Spot was there, sitting beside me. My head is throbbing, my throat is closing off. I'm other going to need to scream or shut down. Or...the knife in my pocket got heavy. I tried not thinking about that, so I closed my eyes trying to block it all out. Many if I think hard enough I'll just pass ok from the this life to the next. 

"Let me just say that cutting yourself won't help. No matter how many times I tried I couldn't get that tar off me. I couldn't get better. But Jack. Are you listening, because I need you to know I healed Jack. 

Healed. Healed! I'm passed on being a healed Spot. I can't get fixed now. There are no many prices of me that broken I can't pull myself back together. I'm a lost cause. I'm hopeless. I'm... it is worthless. I can't be fixed. 

"I found this waitress down town. She makes and sells the nicest most delicious apple pie I've ever taste this did of New York. I finally asked her out. Once daye lead to another and another till I was with her for six months." Jack scooted closer to me. 

"I was a mess one night. I was a mess. I was always sloppy cleaning myself up. I forgot she was coming over for dinner with me and the boys. She had this bad habit of not knocking on doors. She lives in a house full of girls and knocking is not a thing. She walked in on me passed out on the floor in a puddle of my own blood." 

Spot cleaned his throat and gave a hard sniff. I couldn't breathe. I can't breathe, everything is so tight in my chest. 

"She mist have put two and two together. She cleaned me up, somehow got me into my own personal bed. And cleaned up the my mess so the boys wouldn't come sniffing. She did that. She fixed me up. When I woke up, she was there holding my hand. She didn't say nothing, she didn't ask me about it. But we both knew that she knew. The only thing she told me was she was keeping my knife. She stayed Jack, she stayed and saw the ugly side of me and she didn't even blink at it."   
I didn't know when I started crying. But I couldn't stop. Not from Spots story, but maybe it is because I'm so, so tired Tired of faking it. Or maybe in crying in shame. Many in both. 

"She kept tabs on me, heck she still keeping tabs on me." Spot got quiet for a moment then moved closer to me. Two feet apart. 

"I love her Jack. Some day I'm marrying her. When I get enough money I'm putting a ring on that doll because in love her. But not because she heals me." 

Healed. Spot is healed. Spot turned his head and looks at me. 

"But she didn't fix me. She helped by being there, by letting me talk to her without feeling any judgment. She helped, but she didn't heal. I healed myself ."   
"I can't fix this mess I have made Spot." My voice nothing more than an low rasp.   
"You can. But here the thing. You have to want to be whole. I can already tell you know you'd not doing so well and need help so I won't tell you all that. But you have to want to fix yourself. You have to want to get better. Do you want to get better."   
I couldn't speak. I wipe my eyes with my pointy finger and thumb.   
But I nodded. I want to get better. That why I came here. I need help. I want help.   
"Good. That's good right there. The next step is knowing that this is your fight. You're not going to go asleep tonight and wake up the next morning see a bluer sky. It takes time. You won't heal overnight. But heal you will." 

Spot reaches over and puts his hand on my knee giving me a little shake. I looked at him. He wasn't judging me. He wanted to help me. He fights this sickness, maybe...maybe I can.

"And you don't have to wake this battle alone. Talk to me when you think about making a cut. Draw on your skin with one of those fancy ink pens. You know what, I have a pin, you can use it till it runs out of ink then you have to.come and see me and talk to me. Not those night throughts Jack. Don't let them win Jack Kelley."

He stopped talking I started crying. I sobbed in front of the roughed Newsie I have ever had to pleasure of calling my friend and brother.

He did not judge. Not for one second. He didn't say anything. He only sat, letting me know what I was not alone anymore. I'm not alone in this sickness.   
I reached into my pocket and pulled my small knife out and handed it over to Spot's waiting hand. 

I'm going to be healed. 

I'm not broken anymore.


End file.
